THE 8 TRUTHS ABOUT HOW RELATIONSHIPS REALLY WORK
“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered: the point is to discover
them.” Galileo Galilei
Truth No. 1
Your relationship with yourself shapes your relationships with everybody else.
That’s because people take you at your own valuation. It also explains why, getting to
know, love, trust and respect yourself is absolutely fundamental.
When you do, you will make different choices that will bring you different results.
Truth No. 2
When you figure out exactly how you jointly created your disappointing relationships, you
will be less likely to repeat your mistakes.
For example, your contribution to an unsatisfactory relationship might be that you tolerate
unacceptable behaviour which only encourages the other person to do more of the same.
Or you might do one or more of the relationship killers (criticism, defensiveness, contempt,
and/or stonewalling/withdrawing .
For more information, please download ‘The 7 secrets of strong and loving relationships’)
As you can see, whether you’re aware of it or not, you and anybody you have a relationship
with have jointly created that relationship, whether fulfilling or disappointing.
However, even though you had no idea you were doing it, the results are often not only
unwanted but also seemingly random and unpredictable.
This new insight will enable you to develop new strategies to revitalise your relationships.
Truth No. 3
Your thoughts affect your feelings and your feelings determine everything you say and do.
While your actions, including your words, create your reality, the process starts with your
mindset, that is, with your thoughts, with what you tell yourself about yourself and others.
For example, you might be self-critical and self-judgemental, believe yourself to be a victim
and helpless to change yourself or your situation or critical and judgemental of others.
This is what determines the quality of your life, your relationships and even the state of your
health and wellbeing.
Truth No. 4
You cannot force another person to change. They will only do so if they’re willing and able
The only person you can change is yourself. That means that blaming others for whatever
makes you feel miserable, helpless and hopeless only causes you frustration and resentment
as well as making things worse with the other person.
The only way forward is for you to take responsibility for your own happiness. (see Truth
No. 5 below)
Truth No. 5
To change your relationship you need to take the initiative. If you wait for the other person
to take that first step you will be waiting a long time.
You are the one who needs to communicate with people in a different way and is how you
enable your partner and others to hear you without becoming defensive.
Truth No. 6
There is another option if you want to change another person’s behaviour towards you.
Identify and affirm your personal boundaries.
Start by being clear about how you do NOT want to be treated and how you prefer to be
treated instead. This will form the basis of your personal boundaries.
Only then will you know what steps you need to take to change the way other people
engage with you.
Please note that communicating differently goes hand-in-hand with identifying and
affirming your personal boundaries.
Truth No. 7
Doing things that you enjoy is essential to your happiness, health and wellbeing.
This keeps your emotional engine topped up. When it is, you will feel good about yourself
and be better equipped to communicate with others from a better emotional space.
Truth No. 8
When it comes to implementing changes you need to take baby steps.
Not only do they feel less scary and more do-able but they often produce results that are
out of all proportion to the size of the action taken.
These truths form the foundation of my work with my clients. These, combined with the 7
secrets of strong and loving relationships (Free download No. 2) explain my high rate of