HOW SELF-CONFIDENCE ENHANCES ASSERTIVENESS
When assertiveness training first popped up in the Seventies, I was probably one of the first people to sign up.
My self-confidence was practically non-existent and just the thought of speaking out or asking for what I wanted made me break out in a cold sweat. I would never have dared!
I remember we learned a variety of techniques and did a lot of role playing exercises.
But here’s the thing. I found it virtually impossible to put them into practice at work – or anywhere else, for that matter. There were three reasons for that:
- I lacked the self-confidence to get the words out in the first place.
- I was afraid of the consequences.
- I was afraid I would back down, if challenged.
I discovered that, knowing what to do and actually doing it are two entirely different things.
Why is that?
It’s because of that limiting belief that says, you don’t deserve to be treated with courtesy and politeness, it’s OK for people to take you for granted, to expect you to be there at their beck and call.
It’s that Gremlin, your critical inner voice that whispers, “You’re going to say ‘no’ to your mother-in-law? Do you want to antagonise her? Who’s going to do the babysitting then?!?”
Does this mean it’s hopeless? Absolutely not!
What it means is that we need to start from a different place where you identify the limiting beliefs that hold you back, and replace them with positive beliefs instead.
It means clarifying how you do NOT want to be treated and how you prefer to be treated instead.
It means identifying your personal boundaries and learn to affirm them, calmly and confidently because you know you deserve better.
Does this mean I’m against skills training? No way!
You can learn listening skills. You can even learn something as intangible as emotional intelligence. But assertiveness training in isolation has potential consequences.
When you confidently assert your personal boundaries, all your relationships will improve because people will take you at your own valuation.
To find out more, let’s talk.
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