The unexpected secret to self-sabotage – and how to stop it (Part 4)

Last week, in Part 3, I described in detail how I made emotional experiences from potentially fleeting positive facts and the significant health and emotional benefits that this approach brings.

As obvious as these ideas may sound, there’s a huge obstacle to overcome

Resistance to change!

I bet you’re expecting me to say that you have to wrestle with it, overcome it one way or another!

If that’s what you believe then you’d be wrong.  You can’t wrestle resistance with an act of will.  Besides, resistance is necessary for change to succeed!  Let me explain.

Read moreThe unexpected secret to self-sabotage – and how to stop it (Part 4)

The unexpected secret to self-sabotage – and how to stop it (Part 1)

This is the first of a series of blogs about a subject that is close to my heart:

How we sabotage our confidence and what we can do about it.

Here’s an example:

I’ve always preferred being in small groups, ideally just one or two other friends.  Larger groups make me feel uncomfortable.

Read moreThe unexpected secret to self-sabotage – and how to stop it (Part 1)

Why you should have a role model

I remember when I started my very first job in Human Resources.  In those days it was called Personnel Management and I was Assistant Personnel Manager.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to get that job.  The Personnel Manager was a man called Ron.  He looked like Santa Claus and had the kindest face.

Unfortunately, as I discovered, he was also the most racist, sexist and bigoted man I had ever met.  He was also dishonest, controlling and manipulative.  I think that about covers it.

I was green and eager to make a difference.

Read moreWhy you should have a role model

What happens during an exploratory conversation?

One of the first questions people tend to ask when they call me to enquire about my offer for a free exploratory conversation is,

“What happens during that conversation?”

It’s so common that I thought I’d write a blog about what actually goes on in an exploratory or chemistry session.

Purpose

The idea behind such a conversation is to clarify where you’re now – what your current situation is, how you feel about it, what you might already have tried to make things better, what worked, what didn’t and why.

If you tried something and it worked why did you stop?  Perhaps it wasn’t enough or you did sort out that particular situation but a new one popped up.  This is your chance to find out.

Read moreWhat happens during an exploratory conversation?

5 Ways to rediscover your love for your partner

You may have been feeling dissatisfied in your relationship focusing on all the kinds of things that irritate you about your partner and everything that’s missing but has it occurred to you that you can change all that, that you can – if you’re willing – rediscover your love for your partner?

Believe it or not, that’s a choice, a decision you can make right here, right now.

Chances are that it’s not just you who’re feeling unappreciated, taken for granted, hurt and resentful, that your partner feels as you do with neither one of you having felt able to express your feelings in such a way that the other can hear.

Chances are that your habits of criticising, defending, blaming and going on the counter-attack have led you to this place where you’re both feeling unloved and perhaps even lonely in your relationship.

If you’ve had enough then this is your chance to change things by doing something different:

Read more5 Ways to rediscover your love for your partner

What has love and happiness got to do with your health and wellbeing?

I recently gave a talk about how I met my ex-husband, Jim.  As I began to develop the story it brought back an important memory which I would like to share with you.

The real story doesn’t actually start when I first met Jim.  It started with the kind of young woman I was – insecure, unsure of her attractiveness and lovability.

As a result, I made some very poor choices, the worst of which was the choice of life partner.

Having made my choice, I stayed in my marriage for 37 years, despite the bitter disappointment and emotional pain, and the only way I could do so was by pretending it wasn’t all that bad.

This is called ‘being in denial’ and I became so good at it that I actually came to believe my own deceptions.

But here’s the thing.

Read moreWhat has love and happiness got to do with your health and wellbeing?

Haven’t I been here before?

How long does it take to learn that lesson?

You may remember this question I asked you only a month ago:

“How long do you keep on doing the same thing over and over again before you realise it ain’t working!”

I sort of ‘woke up’ when I caught myself thinking, “Hang on a minute! Haven’t I been here before?”

I’m so wedded to achieving my big dream that I keep trying out all kinds of things. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? I’m always preaching about experimenting.

I’m also always adding the caveat – if it works, carry on doing it; if it doesn’t, try something else.

I just realised I wasn’t listening to myself.

Read moreHaven’t I been here before?

If you didn’t care what people said, what would you do differently?

I remember the first time this thought popped into my head: my stomach clenched with anxiety. I imagine this is a common reaction amongst us people pleasers or, as I prefer to call myself, recovering people pleaser.

shutterstock_63866632Just the idea of deliberately doing something that might displease somebody scared the hell out of me. In those days, the thought of rocking the boat felt threatening.

But here’s the thing, many of us reach a point when the status quo is no longer an option because we finally know we

Read moreIf you didn’t care what people said, what would you do differently?

If you want to rekindle a relationship, try this

Feeling invisible can be very debilitating. I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to feel unseen, unheard, even unloved?

shutterstock_176813414This feeling of being invisible often seems to strike once women in particular retire.

I recently started working with Sonia (not her real name). Sonia is 71, her husband is 74 and they’ve been married 41 years.

When we

Read moreIf you want to rekindle a relationship, try this

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